This is the hardest part of the first year for most people, and almost nobody is warned about it. You expect the difficulty to be the learning — the prayer, the Arabic, the fasting. Then a parent goes quiet on the phone, or a friend makes a joke that isn't quite a joke, and it turns out the hard part is at home.
There are no scripts on this page. Rafīq will not hand you lines to say to your mother, because a conversation that matters should not be read off a screen. What it can do is show you what the Qur'an and the Prophet ︙ said about how to be in these moments — and take a couple of weights off you that were never yours to carry.
You don't have to choose between them and your faith
The fear underneath most of this is simple: that becoming Muslim means becoming distant from the people who raised you. It doesn't, and the Qur'an is unusually direct about it.
And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.
But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.
Grounded with quran.ai: fetch_translation(31:14, en-sahih-international); fetch_translation(31:15, en-sahih-international)
Two instructions at once. You are not required to follow them away from your faith — and you are still to keep their company in this world with kindness. Not politely. Not at a distance. Well.
Somebody asked this exact question
A companion of the Prophet ︙ had a mother who did not share her faith. When her mother came to her, she asked him directly whether she should still keep the relationship up:
My mother came to me during the lifetime of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and she was a pagan. I said to Allah's
Apostle (seeking his verdict), "My mother has come to me and she desires to receive a reward from
me, shall I keep good relations with her?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Yes, keep good relation with her. "
Narrated Asma' bint Abu Bakr:
Show the Arabic
حَدَّثَنَا عُبَيْدُ بْنُ إِسْمَاعِيلَ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو أُسَامَةَ، عَنْ هِشَامٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ بِنْتِ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ قَدِمَتْ عَلَىَّ أُمِّي وَهْىَ مُشْرِكَةٌ، فِي عَهْدِ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم، فَاسْتَفْتَيْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ {إِنَّ أُمِّي قَدِمَتْ} وَهْىَ رَاغِبَةٌ، أَفَأَصِلُ أُمِّي قَالَ
" نَعَمْ صِلِي أُمَّكِ ".
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari, hadith 2515 — in the Book of Gifts
Yes, keep good relations with her. No conditions attached, and no suggestion that the relationship should wait until her mother came round to anything.
You are not responsible for changing them
A lot of new Muslims quietly take on a second job: bringing the family round. It is exhausting, it usually makes things worse, and it was never yours to do.
Indeed, [O Muḥammad], you do not guide whom you like, but Allāh guides whom He wills. And He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided.
Grounded with quran.ai: fetch_translation(28:56, en-sahih-international)
That was said to the Prophet ︙ himself, about people he loved and dearly wanted to reach. If it was not in his hands, it is not in yours. What is in your hands is how you treat them — which is the rest of this page.
How to be, rather than what to say
This is where a page could hand you a script, and won't. But the sources say a great deal about the posture underneath one.
And speak to him with gentle speech that perhaps he may be reminded or fear [Allāh]."
Grounded with quran.ai: fetch_translation(20:44, en-sahih-international)
It is worth sitting with who that was said about. Musa was being sent to Pharaoh, and the instruction was still gentle speech. Whatever is being said at your kitchen table, it is not a harder case than that one.
What gentleness actually gets you
'A'isha, verily Allah is kind and He loves kindness and confers upon kindness which he does not confer upon severity and does not confer upon anything else besides it (kindness).
'A'isha, the wife of Allah's Apostle (ﷺ), reported that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said:
Show the Arabic
حَدَّثَنَا حَرْمَلَةُ بْنُ يَحْيَى التُّجِيبِيُّ، أَخْبَرَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ وَهْبٍ، أَخْبَرَنِي حَيْوَةُ، حَدَّثَنِي
ابْنُ الْهَادِ، عَنْ أَبِي بَكْرِ بْنِ حَزْمٍ، عَنْ عَمْرَةَ، - يَعْنِي بِنْتَ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ - عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، زَوْجِ
النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ
" يَا عَائِشَةُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ
رَفِيقٌ يُحِبُّ الرِّفْقَ وَيُعْطِي عَلَى الرِّفْقِ مَا لاَ يُعْطِي عَلَى الْعُنْفِ وَمَا لاَ يُعْطِي عَلَى مَا سِوَاهُ
" .
Source: Sahih Muslim, hadith 6439 — in the Book of Virtue, Enjoining Good Manners, and Joining of the Ties of Kinship
Not a technique, and not a guarantee about any particular person. But harshness has never been the thing that opens somebody up, and you are unlikely to lose anything by being the calmer person in the room.
And permission to say nothing
This one is a relief more than an instruction:
He who believes in Allah and the Last Day should either utter good words or better keep silence; and he who believes in Allah and the Last Day should treat his neighbour with kindness and he who believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his guest.
It is reported on the authority of Abu Huraira that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) observed:
Silence is allowed. You don't owe anyone a debate, you don't have to have an answer ready, and saying you are still learning is a complete and honest reply.
The things that actually come up
Not general advice. These are the specific moments people describe, and what tends to be true of them.
Why aren't you eating this? The food questions come first because they are the visible ones. A short answer without apology usually ends it, and most people move on faster than you expect.
You've changed. Often true, and usually said as an accusation when it is really a worry. What they are asking is whether you are still theirs.
Is this a phase? Time answers this one and nothing else does. You cannot argue somebody out of waiting to see.
Are you going to stop coming to things? The fear that you are leaving. Turning up — to the birthday, the dinner, the Sunday lunch — says more than any explanation you could give.
The joke that isn't quite a joke. You can let it go without agreeing with it. Not everything needs answering the moment it is said, and letting one pass is not cowardice.
And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon, the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend.
Grounded with quran.ai: fetch_translation(41:34, en-sahih-international)
That is about time, not about tonight. Plenty of families who were cold in the first year are not cold in the fifth. Your job was never to win the argument — it is to still be someone they want in the room.
The one thing you can always do
You can ask Allah for them. It costs nothing, it needs nobody's permission, it can be done from the other end of a silence, and they never have to know you did it.
This page is about disagreement — the cold phone calls, the comments, the feeling of being watched at home. Some people are facing more than that: being threatened, being forced, or not being safe where they live.
That is not something a web page can help with, and Rafīq is not going to pretend otherwise.
If that is nearer your situation, please talk to a person. You can contact any mosque or organisation in our directory — you don't need a question ready, and you don't have to explain yourself to get a reply.